Everytime you told me

There were days you made me feel lower than life. Every time you told me I was a horrorable person i believed you, but now i know im not. Everytime you told me I was to unfit to become a mom i believed you, but now I know thats not true. Everytime you told me who every has a child with me is fucking stupid i believed you, but i now know thats not true. Everytime I cought you in a lie you told me I was stupid and a retard i believed you, but now I know that was a huge mistake to believe you. You made me think there was something wrong with me, but now I know thats not true. I've come to terms with myself it is now your turn. I'm not a horrorable person, not an unfit mother, the person I had a child with wasn't stupid for having a child with me, I;m not a stupid retard for knowing when you lied. I'm smart and I'm an amazing mother to my son. There were days you made me feel lower than life, but those days are now over, because I'm on top of the world and you are not..

d0f2e24a-1cc6-4152-8798-bd25c5fbc482

1.03.01

Sigh

its been a long week and it just started.. Good greaf could this week get longer... Yesterday I realized some one I called a friend isnt a friend... Not cool. today I had to choose my husband over a friend. I will stand by my hubby, he was right the friend was not. My hubby is leaving friday for his first truck haul, and we have no money for him to eat on the road, My son seems to be having a hard time breathing as of lately damn his allergies. Im a simple person who tries to do right by others no matter where it sticks me. I try to save everyone I can in one way or another... Why am I the one that gets shit on all the time... Yes Im a bitch but I live for my friends, I was once told by a friend of mine a long time ago that if I needed her no matter what I could call her and if I needed her there she'd be there even if it ment she would have to lose her job. I'm the same way now, she showed me what a TRUE friend was.. for that im greatful, but im tired of being treated like shit.. I kinda wish I was back in High School because I was treated the same way until that friend stuck up for me and got me away from those people and showed me that its a good thing to be a bitch when its needed.. but now that I cant be a bitch I need to be retaught... Sigh

seriously there are still cruel people out there?!

So today was depressing, I was reminded on how people are cruel and insensitive to others feelings.. My friend Lainy has two beautiful girls one is 4 and the other is 3, and some one pointed and turned their nose up at Natie for being 3 and still in a diaper. It's not her fault nor her mothers. Lainy is an amazing mother and friend. In high school I looked up to 4 girls one was Ashleigh, Lainy, Kc, and Erin. out of those 4 girls i only talk to 3 of them. It makes me sad knowing that I lost one of them as a friend due to something not worth mentioning right now.. But Lainy was fun happy and just a person who showed me to just be me and if they don't like me for me then there not worth my time. Its sad to see such an amazing person who used to be happy a lot become someone who is depressed due to the challenges that have been thrown her way.. But it will make her stronger and happier later on in life.. Out of those four girls I look up to Lainy the most because of how big her heart is and how strong she is.. She deserves nothing but happiness and anything she wants.. I go to her for advise about Wyatt and other stuff.. If you know me you know my son has an autoimmune deficiency and that his doctors dont know much more other than hes lacking red and white blood cells to kill off infections and what may come his way, so I go to her for advise about anything im unserten about. I wish I could remove the cruel people from my closest friends and she is one of them.

Life

well lets start off by saying I'm sharing this for not pitty nor sadness, but just for more of an understanding of me and my life....
I was born 12-31-1985 at 11:58pm. My mother Sherry unknown father. I learned everything fast then. I was potty trained by 9 months old, running not walking nor crawling by the same age. On my first birthday I was beaten badly I was not expected to live(cheated life one). I had to relearn everything. My grandfather (dad) adopted me, and I was "his" by Jan 1, 1987... Him my grandmother and I moved to Arizona from New Jersey when I was two. My grandmother believed that children should be seen not heard. I was never allowed to do anything when i was younger, I wasn't even allowed to laugh. When I was 7 my grandmother left my "dad". She shipped me off to an aunts house while her and my dads best friend moved her out of my dads house, she took almost everything in his house though he bought EVERYTHING! I was about 10 when I started seeing her again, I was 16 when my dad didn't have to drop me off in a public place just so she would pick me up to go to her house. She changed I was able to laugh and what not with out getting yelled at.. with all of this my mother wasn't really ever there. She missed EVERYTHING important.
I met Mark at a party my two friends were throwing in 2005, he showed me the way i wanted to live. I now have the most amazing 3 year old ever! Though my life is stressful and tiring. When I was pregnant with Wyatt i had complications. I was high risk, had cysts, he had a kidney that was the size of a big lemon. I was in labor for almost 4days, and if my doctor didn't think fast both Wyatt and I would not be here right now (cheated life twice). Now my son is in and out of the hospital for his asthma. Come to find out he has an auto immune deficiency, they have no idea on what one it is.
I'm in school now and seriously debating on leaving it for the due fact I'm constantly afraid of what maybe going on while I'm gone. I'm not saying i don't trust the person who is watching him, because i do.... I left a lot of stuff out because this would be a longer post if I didn't do so...

Its kinda sad when i knew some one almost my entire life and yet i really don't know them.. last night while i was laying in bed trying to sleep i kept thinking how it was sad that i had a best friend then a guy got in the way, then i broke up with him because of the crap he did to me. But it still doesnt matter because she still chooses his side i'm no longer invited to birthdays because he's there and how he comes first now. If only she knew what he did or said..........................

to the woman I never knew

to the woman I never knew



I welcomed you into my heart and life agian,
no questions asked, and what did you do?
you pushed me away again,
you decited that you didn't
want me again, that you didn't want
to be a mother, you come and go as you
please,
All my life it was like one month
I had a mommy, a month later
I didn't have one.
just like that I had no mommy.
Ever wonder what that kind
of stuff that does to a 7 year old?
I do, it hurts so much.
I wish I knew how to keep
you here with me.
I want to be able to have the
relationship with my mother
that most girls get, but I
never will, and thats depressing.
Just remember I told you
I was not going to do this again,
you go MIA again I'm out
you will never cause me
no more pain. I'm tired, worn out,
and finished. I am no longer the
perfact daughter I will not wait
for you to decide to be a mommy
again. No more, I have cried enough
I will cry one more time and that will
probably be on my sons birthday
the day you yet again "PROMISED"
me.. No more promises they really hurt.
Good bye mommy, the woman that

I never knew.................